New Blog Post

[grav_ity]

I blogged angry today, I'll admit it. But I think it bears repeating.

How To Be A Lady (and other lies)

Because, really, you are not responsible for other people's actions.

Comments

[shadadukal]

Great post!

[amenirdis.livejournal.com]

I would say that being a lady means having self control. Yes, you have a right to your feelings. But there are times and places that are appropriate to express them, and ones that aren't. Weeping on your coworkers about your sex life is inappropriate. Yelling at your children because you're upset is wrong. Telling perfect strangers about your therapy is both pointless and oversharing. A lady controls herself. She does not inflict her feelings on random other people, nor let her feelings control her. She chooses. She discriminates between things that are appropriate to be shared with one's best friend and with the internet. She does not screw up her job because she rants and cries. Yes, by all means have feelings. But it is not always appropriate to express them, and expressing them wrongly hurts others and oneself.

[grav-ity.livejournal.com]

The full quotation was basically that ladies should ALWAYS be sunny and happy, regardless of audience, because otherwise people will judge you as being not a lady, and then will be tempted to not be a gentleman in response.

Part of being a lady (for me) was learning (often the hard way) when and how to deal with feelings.

[amenirdis.livejournal.com]

I do think it's true that rude behavior breeds rude behavior. If someone is unpleasant to me, it's tempting to be unpleasant in return. If someone is nice to me, I'm generally nice and cooperative in return. I do find that people are much nicer to me if I'm nice to them first, and that they're much more willing to listen to what I have to say if I say it kindly rather than shouting. And yes, sometimes that requires quite a lot of self control and pretending to feelings I do not have, when what I want to do is scream and hit and tell people I will never speak to them again. But. If I do so, I will accomplish nothing. And it's far more important to me to accomplish what I want than to vent.

[grav-ity.livejournal.com]

True. I'm already writing a follow up blog where I talk about moderation, but I try to stay within 1000 words for these things, and my point was that I get angry when people blame the victim.

[dm-lunsford.livejournal.com]

Definitely agree that individuals are responsible for their own actions. Also agree that we need to pass that message on to the next generation - that part of becoming a healthy adult (be it a "lady" or a "gentleman") in society is learning to take responsibility for your choices/actions, as well as striving to be pre-emptive by making good choices. But I also think what we don't always do a good job of is acknowledging that we always exist in a community of some sort. While I'm responsible for my choices/actions, those are never conducted in a vacuum. So while I cannot be responsible for what someone else chooses or does, I'm not immune to the fact that what others do affects me, and what I do affects others. Therein is a struggle - especially when the choices/actions between parties lead to conflict and harm rather than mutual respect and cooperation.